It's Snowing

There are only two words to describe the Christmas that has just past: Best Ever. I hate to say that since only one member of my immediate family was present throughout, but I think the rest of them understand why.

Two reasons why this was the best ever: 1) It took place in Denver, which is really the only place in the world that I feel truly at home. I only lived here for seven years, but both my parents grew up here and my grandparents have always lived here and so we were here a lot before we actually moved and of course have been back to visit multiple times (though not quite enough) since leaving. After we moved from Denver in 1997, I spent four years going to high school in Atlanta, then a year at Bible college in upstate New York, and then back to Georgia for four years of college. In high school I think I was usually way too absorbed in the moment to think much about where I was or whether I liked being there. It was all about my friends and my grades and trying to make enough money to have a car. I guess I thought of myself as from Colorado, but roots were not my concern. My year at school in New York was mostly spent wishing for Georgia, since it was my first time away from my family and that's where they were. And during my years at UGA I became increasingly conscious of the fact that not only did I not feel southern, I never had and never wanted to. I found myself reluctant to say that I was going "home" when I went to my parents' house for a weekend, since that didn't really feel like home to me. I started telling more people that I was from Denver (which usually wound up requiring a qualification - "and my parents live in Atlanta now ..."). All this came to a head once I moved to New York. I was so glad to leave Georgia behind that I left even before I officially graduated. I should say that I still appreciate it as a place and that I'm grateful for everything I gained in my years there. It's not that I don't consider those years or the people I spent them with to be irrelevant. It's just that, you know that feeling you get, when you sit back and look around you and realize that you're in the most familiar and comfortable spot and that if everything stayed exactly as it is right now you'd probably never move because every other place and every other thing is utterly foreign at that moment in time? I never had that feeling in Georgia. Not once, I don't think. I'd forgotten that feeling, until I moved to New York and realized that the feeling of home you cast around for when you move to a new place had in fact been eluding me for years. Moving there felt like leaving comfort and complacency behind, but it didn't feel like I'd left home. And I guess that's when I realized that I'd left home nine years before, and suddenly began to crave it in a way I never had. All that to say, finally coming back here was the biggest breath of fresh air I could've imagined, and it has definitely done the trick. I feel totally ready to go back to my new home in the city and, oddly enough, being away from there has made me appreciate it more, so I think I'll feel more at home when I go back than I did when I left.

2) I have the most amazing family that anyone could ask for, and I don't care if it's cliche to say that. In my case it's totally true. We're not perfect at all, but somehow we managed to actually enjoy one another's company for three days with no major drama, and I know most of us wished we could be together longer. How many families do you know that feel that way after the holidays? I can't explain why we're so blessed, but we are. We know each other just well enough to have a total blast and a thousand inside jokes, but not so well that we hate each other after too much time together. I think for me it was so wonderful because in New York I'm still trying to find my family. Over the summer the Harlem House was definitely my family, but following our move they weren't so much anymore. I love the girls in my small group and most of the people I work with, but all of that is still new. What I needed most this Christmas was to be surrounded by so much family I could hardly turn around without seeing someone I was related to. After eight months of transitions and trying to navigate the isolation that comes with living in the city, that was an unbelievable relief. I felt known and loved and part of something. On Christmas night, we all sat around my grandparents' basement and listened to my grandpa tell the Cream of Wheat story - his grandfather invented it, one of our family's most significant quirks. I just thought, this is how I grew up, and I wouldn't want to be doing anything else right now. No one in my life will ever quite understand this like these people do, and so a part of me will always belong to them in a way that in can never belong to anyone else. And I've decided that this whole pattern of never seeing each other simply because we live states away has got to change. I care too much about these relationships now, after seeing how safe and at home they felt. I've missed out on years with my cousins, and I can't afford to waste time away from them anymore, especially my older ones - Craig, Hans, Phil, and Tina, who made me laugh and think harder than anyone has in a long time. So I don't know what this means on a practical level, except that my first-year teaching recuperation will likely take place in Nevis, Minnesota (aka the middle of nowhere) at Craig's house, coupled with as much time as I can get with the other three and visits with my other aunts, uncles, and cousins as well. And Hans and his wife are coming out to see me (well, not specifically me, but me along with some others) in March. Hopefully both my visit and theirs can become regular.

So that's been my Christmas. I've also been able to see my best childhood friend Brittany and my dad's parents, as well as spend time with Nathan's girlfriend's family, the Millers. And now I have nothing to do for the next 48 hours but sit by the window with my book and watch the snow, which is falling more persistently than I've seen since I was maybe nine or ten. Thank You Jesus!
P.S. I am actually very anxious to get back to New York, as nice as this has been. Above all, I'm a creature of routine, and I miss my grocery store, my park, my coffee shops. Most of all, I miss my cat. Peter Lake, I can't wait to see you!!!

Song In My Head: "Snow" - from the Christmas CD Tina made us - it could not have been more appropriate.