Write Songs About It

This is a momentous day, a day I thought would never come. I've been waiting for it, although mostly without expectation, since December 2001. That's the last time I held in my hand a newly released Jennifer Knapp album of original material. And today, finally, I did again.

Jennifer Knapp has been my favorite musician since early high school. I first saw her in concert in February 1999, opening for Audio Adrenaline and dc Talk. Those bands were the ones I really came to see, and I wasn't really paying attention to the short girl alone on stage with her guitar. I think there was probably a boy nearby that I was interested in, so even if I had known who she was, I don't think I'd have cared much about her music. I have very few memories of hearing her on that particular night, but my dad was already loving her, and it wasn't long before I started to hear what he was hearing.

Between then and my final semester of high school, spring 2001, I went to see Jen in concert a dozen times. Anytime she was playing anywhere near Atlanta, I was there, often in the front row. When her album Lay It Down was released in February 2000, I remember getting in a huge fight with a friend who worked at a Christian bookstore and failed to get me an advance copy. I went to AtlantaFest in 2001 and talked Jen into giving me the shoes she was wearing. My first semester at Bible college, I followed the rules and didn't listen to any music. When I got Jen's new album The Way I Am over Christmas break, I smuggled a Discman under my pillow and broke that rule just about every night thereafter. I may or may not have been her actual number one fan, but I sure felt like it.

Then, she disappeared off the scene. She released a "collection" in early 2003 that had a few demos of new tracks on it, but it wasn't exactly what her fans were hoping for. That was when the rumors started to circulate about where she was and what she was doing. I first heard the "she's a lesbian" rumor in the summer of 2004 and shot it down instantly and vehemently. No way could MY favorite singer have walked away from her faith so completely! Her music still spoke to me so strongly that I couldn't accept that it wasn't coming from the same place I'd always thought it was. At that point in my life I was still very sure of what kind of behavior a "Christian" should exhibit, and a homosexual lifestyle certainly didn't fit within those parameters. Occasionally I listened to a Melissa Ethridge or Indigo Girls song, but only with significant guilt. It couldn't be possible that all along my very favorite singer had been living that life.

When I moved to New York in 2006 I brought my love for and sadness over the loss of Jen Knapp with me, spreading it everywhere I could. A lot of my close friends here hadn't heard of her, since she'd dropped off the scene several years before and not all of my friends were believers before then. I became known as something of a Jen-vangelist, peddling her talent and singing her praises to everyone I knew. Every now and then someone would bring up the lesbian rumor, and gradually my response became, "So?" I was understanding more and more that sexual orientation wasn't all that different from any other sin a person could struggle with and, more importantly, that it didn't disqualify one from being a Christian. I started telling people that I didn't care what she was going through, I just wished she'd write songs about it. The bottom line was, if that is what she was dealing with in her earlier albums, I never noticed and it didn't matter. Her music is so powerful and her lyrics so universal that somehow her songs always felt as if they were written about my struggles. I came to realize that that meant if she kept writing songs about hers, they would keep resonating with mine.

Needless to say, I was thrilled when about eight months ago I started hearing of a possible return. I'd given up hope of that so long ago that it was tough to take seriously, but then I found that her website was actually back up, and seemed legit. Before long, she had posted a show in New York. I could hardly believe that was true, but I called up two of my fellow Jen-lovers and asked if they wanted to go to the show (aka, be there to comfort me when I turned up and she wasn't actually there). They agreed, and suddenly we were at a front table at the Living Room on October 28th, and Jen herself was only a few feet away from us, beating her guitar out of tune as usual and sipping a beer that we bought for her. It was a completely different experience from the church concerts I saw her sing in so many times, and yet in all the ways that matter she was still the same Jen. She sang a couple of her old songs but mostly new stuff, and it was all amazing. One of the things I love about her is that she is so organic. When she sings, it seems as though the music is just coming out of her spontaneously with no preparation. She is everything that today's over-produced pop stars are not, and the fact that her voice sounds exactly the same live as it does on her records is a fundamental part of that.

Since then I've seen her one other time live, and have gotten ahold of an album of demos she made called "Evolving." It has six songs on it, five of which turned up on Letting Go, and every one of them is as good as anything she's ever done. She excels at both guitar-driven rock anthems and more stripped-down ballads, and all of her songs are filled with the same honest, soul-searching lyrics they've always been. She's at the top of her game as far as I'm concerned.

About that lesbian rumor, well, it did turn out to be true. And when I first heard that my reaction was the same as it was in recent years. It didn't have any effect on my feelings about her music, and hardly caused a stir in my feelings about her as a person. I wish I understood what God says in the Bible about homosexuality. He seems to condemn it outright, and that's tough to dispute. There are plenty of other things He also condemns, like greed and pride, and people don't seem as concerned about keeping those sins in check. However, I guess what we can all agree on is that they are sins, and people who practice a homosexual lifestyle are living as though it is not a sin. But I don't understand what we are to say to someone in that situation. I certainly disagree with those churches who choose to reject those people and their lifestyle as though they are beyond saving, when in fact many of them are likely saved already. The gospel is that I am a sinner, without hope to save myself. None of my works are good for anything in that regard. My only hope is in Christ and His work on my behalf. Therefore, someone who practices homosexuality is no further from God than I am because of their choices, and I'm no closer because of mine. I think it's entirely possible that someone can live that life and still be a believer, because their hope is not in their sexual identity but in Christ. At the same time, I know we are accountable to what God says is right, and I don't know how to apply that to this sort of thing.

I guess my conclusion is what it's been for a long time now. I don't personally know how to approach the issue of homosexuality among believers. I respect the right of individual churches and denominations to deny membership to those who practice the lifestyle, but I also know that Jesus has an abundance of love and mercy for those same people, and those same churches are obligated to communicate and reflect that. I'm glad at the end of the day that I'm not anyone else's judge, because I don't want to be in a position to tell someone that they're wrong to live a life that feels true to who they are. I don't want to sound like a relativist, because I'm certainly not, and this particular issue may be the one that our culture struggles with and gets wrong. But we all feel ashamed of what's deep inside us, and I think part of what being a Christian is is no longer needing to feel that shame anymore. So I'm not sure what to say to someone who feels that at their very essence is a longing to be in a committed relationship with someone of the same sex. Are they supposed to live a celibate life forever? That seems like the only solution Christians are comfortable with, but I'm just not sure.

Regardless, my original point stands. I don't understand what it's like to struggle with this in particular, but I certainly know what it's like to feel that something is wrong with me, to feel that people are judging me and deciding that they know who I am or what I should be, to feel as though the things I truly want in my life will never come to me. When I listen to Jennifer Knapp, I feel comforted and healed. Her new album Letting Go has that effect as much as or more than all those that have come before. If nothing else, she's being truly and deeply honest about who she is and the pain and distress that has caused her. We all feel that, no matter where it comes from. And if you're a gifted songwriter, write songs about it, so I can listen to them and feel less alone.