Faith + Hope = Trust

My evolving relationship with Brennan Manning is one I'm sure will come up again here. "Relationship" is, of course, not the most appropriate word for it, given that he is dead and also not exactly someone I ever officially met. But he is the kind of writer who makes me feel as though I have a relationship with him. As I read and reread and reread the same books again and again, I find that they speak to me differently in different seasons. I guess this is true of all good books. Manning's style, though, is so direct and conversational, it's hard not to feel as if I'm sitting across a table from him at a coffee shop, arguing with him about the nature of faith. I find myself reacting to the things he says more strongly than most writers, in both positive and negative ways. Sometimes I am pounding the table as I read, so complete is my agreement with him, so total the resonance of what he says. Other times, I am thoroughly annoyed at his writing style, replete as it is with unnecessary and sometimes imprecise modifiers. Some paragraphs so entirely speak the truth of life to me that I want to write them in enormous letters on my wall so that I never forget them. Others refuse to reveal the essence of their meaning even with three or four rereads, something that is more often Manning's fault than mine.

But I am always, always glad that I read him. The annoying stuff and the confusing stuff fades quickly from memory, and the true things stick to the point that they become a permanent part of my understanding of life. I just finished Ruthless Trust, a book that I have read one other time, 10 or 11 years ago. And the most amazing thing about it was how much the concepts in this book have woven themselves into the fabric of my life in the last decade. I would have listed this as a favorite book (despite how long it took me to reread it), but I really had no clue how profound its impact was on me. Many ideas that I have thought about, wrestled with, and tried to absorb over the years were rooted in my first experience with this book.

On that level, this was an incredibly meaningful reading experience. I found myself thanking God again and again for the progress I have made in the areas of gratitude, peace, self-acceptance, and yes, trust. Many of the notes I wrote back in 2005 expressed longing for change in those areas, and I've seen it. I didn't realize how much of the growth I've experienced during these years was rooted in prayers I prayed while reading this book. What a blessing and a joy to see the fruit of those prayers.

Beyond that, though, there grew an awareness of how much progress I've yet to make in any number of areas. I appreciated that, too. It felt the same as reading Matthew 6 and noting that I "worry about tomorrow" less now than I did yesterday (usually), but that I still have a long way to go before I could consider myself properly responding to the command NOT to worry about it. Like any believer, I have grown but am not done growing.

One thing I appreciate about Manning is how he acknowledges his own need for growth in the midst of his instruction. He and Philip Yancey, my favorite Christian writer, share a very genuine humility which allows them to admit of their own need in a totally believable way. In fact, Manning's last words in this book that I love so much are, "Where am I in all this? With you, clasping hands each morning and crying out in unison, 'Lord Jesus, I trust you; help my lack of trust.'" Brennan, thank you for this book and for your own admission that you had so far to go. It makes me smile to think of you in the arms of the Savior, your work finished.